On Southern highways

Sitting on your front porch and watch the world go by, enjoying a glass of ice-cold sweet tea, or a 420 and some good soul food. What a great and relaxed Southern life-style. Cruising down scenic back roads, just like in the Jack Daniels ad. You think it is that relaxed on Southern highways? - think twice. The speed limit on your typical interstate is 65 mph, but at this speed you are an obstacle for traffic. Especially for those huge pickup trucks approaching out of the blue in your back mirror. The pickup truck is a specialty of the Deep South, needed for tailgating on the road or at Nascar races and alike. These trucks, built for tough or whatever, have no problem passing that obstacle on the right lane at a speed of 80mph. Beware of using the indicator for such maneuvers, it just signals you are not a real Southerner. Two second rule for security distance, merging rules – that’s like speaking French. Life on Southern highways is hectic, darn hectic. I try to avoid that type of stress which is disturbing my illusion of the laidback Southern lifestyle. Typically I chose to avoid the masses and just hit the road an hour after morning and evening rush hour. Well, it is not always avoidable to be out when all the maniacs are out too. Then we play the game, who is first at the next red light. At the red light we make a quick phone call. That means the next round is the braking game. Because we are so busy on the phone, we have to slow down the traffic, and the nervous flickering of the brake lights is causing lots of people to change lanes, of course without indicator – hey, you can’t phone, steer a big SUV and use the indicator, right? The other day on my way to work I counted the number of drivers on the phone – a whopping 50%. Wasn’t there a law against it recently? Why do they have to phone all the time, is it a virus causing it, aliens contacting the mother ship? What do have people to say all the time? Honey, it's me, just stopped at the 3rd traffic light near the 2nd BP station? Sometimes people are so busy chasing others, surfing lanes and phoning, they even seem to forget their pets in the bed of their pickup. For a long time I was wondering why there are so many dead dogs along the interstates. It suddenly dawned on me when I saw a couple of these poor dogs - still alive – sitting in the back of a truck passing me on the interstate at high speed and on the right side – so sad. Most of the time I am on my motorcycle, this is yet another game. These freaking motorcycles accelerate too darn fast, this is no good! So now it becomes suddenly very important to be at the same height as the car in the right lane, so that the motorcycle can’t pass. God forbid. Brake lights on your right, brake lights on your left, brake lights on your right....then you know the game is on. How do they do that anyway, I use the gas pedal to drive. Sometimes I am lucky and get to the traffic lights first, like recently just before passing the Vulcan statue atop Red Mountain. I always enjoy that twisty stretch of the road up and down the hill, the cagers (motorcycle slang for cars) far behind and not bothering me. Just a soccer mom on the phone beside me, so I take off  when the light turns green and for a short 30 sec the breeze of freedom - yeahah. No cars in the mirror, then down the hill towards Southside I slow down again because of the oncoming roads. I have to slow down further because of two cars and then I see her, the soccer mom in her Honda Odyssey, speeding down the hill like she is on the Talladega Superspeedway. When she is at my height, on the right lane, I can see she is on the phone – impressive, one can’t compete with that. She has passed me by a car length, and before I know she cuts in 10 feet in front of me, and - you guessed it - without using the indicator and still on the phone, followed by a sharp brake to turn left into the parking lot of the child care facility of a church…. I am flabbergasted. Did I dream this? A mom with her kids in the car - what is wrong with these people? I was so furious that she and her iphone had put me in danger that I wanted to follow her and just yell at her. I finally calmed down on the rest of my way to work. Then it struck me, it is not “THEM”, it is ME. I need to change my attitude. Everyone probably hates the full rush hour roads. May be I should just slow down a bit and let them pass, do a defensive stop and let them just have their ways. It is my choice to stay out of it, and to stay safe. Thank God, today is Friday.  So after work I will go for a beer with some of those friendly Southern folks, let the good times roll, and afterwards roll down Sweet Home Alabama country roads, which by then will be all MINE.